Sorry but after this morning I need a moment to vent.
My friends know that I often compare my love affair with Manhattan to a puppy, hopelessly in love with his abusive master. While the puppy loves his master's home, he still gets the crap kicked out of him every day. I know I'm not alone when I say so many small things on a daily basis drive us nuts. My pet peeves: slow walkers, sludge, the liquid that drops from people's air conditioning and makes you think that either it's raining or that you've been shit on by a pigeon, steam pipes that blow sewage-flavored mist in your face, the winding West Village grid, and the cross-town bus. But nothing gives me greater displeasure than my morning commute. I think I wake up every day thinking today is the day I will be an optimist, only to revert to cynicism by about 8:50 when the #2 train is stuck between Canal and Franklin. And did I mention someone keeps rubbing their purse into my ass??
My typical morning is waking up about 20 minutes late followed by a scramble to my train. Lately, my MetroCard is always empty (I never buy the monthly...an old habit from when I was traveling non-stop), and I am too often the one behind the idiot/tourist/fill-in-the-blank who can't swipe the card correctly and is relentless in punching buttons or pushing the metal arm to put some excitement in their day. Inevitably, I run downstairs to miss my first train as it has either just left or is in the process of being crammed into by delusional people who think a 12 foot ass can fit in about a foot of space. Next train is mine.
I cram myself into my own foot of space, with renewed hope that one day, right in front of me there will be a pretty woman. I daydream of her cracking a laugh at the predicament we're in, when she realizes that she is having a hard time keeping her breasts from rubbing into my elbow. I'm about to ask for her name when the train jolts, my eyes open, and there is no pretty girl in front of me. Instead, It's one of the following 5 every single day.
1) The "Take Up Two Seats Bubble Coat Fatty"
The fact that your jacket is made up of a series of water wings does not warrant two seats. This is bullshit. I can take the seat right next to you, slide you over slightly and deflate your coat so that more people can make it to work on time. One person, one seat. A win-win.
2) The "Shoulder to shoulder newspaper reader"
I got in an honest-to-god fight with a guy one morning for this: People are packed in the train like sardines, practically eating each other's breakfast, and some narcissictic fool slaps open The Wall Street Journal and flaps his arms around like a goddamn pterodactyl, over and over, to turn his sorry pages. Nothing, I mean nothing gets me more irate than those who are oblvious to the rest of us they share the planet with. (Do you hear that walking crack-berry addicts?)
3) The Ponytail
Ponytail Girl, you may be a little more innocent than the Down Coat Douche Bag, or Mr.Important Newspaper Reader but honestly, screw you anyway. If I wanted a mouthful of your hair I'd go to your house and lick your pillow. Please be careful where you are swinging that horse mane and be aware of those behind you. Thank you :).
4) Hot Breath
This is an easy one: Brush your last-night's onion eating, plaque covered, coffee stained teeth before you even think about breathing over anyone's shoulder. No excuses-ever.
5) The Roller Case carrier
Instead of taking up space, take a cab. The only thing that should be on wheels in here is this train. If that thing scuffs my shoes or trips me one more time ,or some other asshole pushes me down because he thinks he has space and can't see your bag, you're going to have to file a claim for lost luggage.
People, have I missed anyone here?
