I must apologize for the posting delay: brain on hiatus due to the abundance of tiny dresses, rooftop mojitos, and Ed Hardy in South Beach. Happy New Year to me.
After watching the turd drop from 2007's proverbial anus that became 2008, I couldn't help but to be optimistic for the year ahead. 2009 started changing even before it became official, from Lindsey Lohan's sexual orientation to the increased responsibility of Hockey Moms. There's also this guy Obama that's about to be sworn in to The House, making middle-Americans everywhere lament at their nearest Mickey-D's over their Big Mac's and refillable fountain sodas.
So we start the year with “sanitation engineers” (read: the garbage men) having more job security than some of our country's smartest and most insightful salespeople, analysts, and executives. And yet, I attended a New Years event where many of the newly unemployed spent over $20,000 drinking away their sorrows and self-hatred, and paying for sexual favors. My optimism is at peak when I think of how great it will be for these unfortunate fellows to regain their jobs and raise the bar on that spending habit.
But I digress: my optimism is truly reflected in some predictions I made for American society. If these come true, I for one will be fine in '09.
1)"The Hipster" will finally hit the full-on mainstream market and take over all forms of retail including (but not limited to) JC Penny, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls. Suddenly, my vintage Fubu Fat Albert attire will be considered a fashion-forward approach. Hey hey hey.
After watching the turd drop from 2007's proverbial anus that became 2008, I couldn't help but to be optimistic for the year ahead. 2009 started changing even before it became official, from Lindsey Lohan's sexual orientation to the increased responsibility of Hockey Moms. There's also this guy Obama that's about to be sworn in to The House, making middle-Americans everywhere lament at their nearest Mickey-D's over their Big Mac's and refillable fountain sodas.
So we start the year with “sanitation engineers” (read: the garbage men) having more job security than some of our country's smartest and most insightful salespeople, analysts, and executives. And yet, I attended a New Years event where many of the newly unemployed spent over $20,000 drinking away their sorrows and self-hatred, and paying for sexual favors. My optimism is at peak when I think of how great it will be for these unfortunate fellows to regain their jobs and raise the bar on that spending habit.
But I digress: my optimism is truly reflected in some predictions I made for American society. If these come true, I for one will be fine in '09.
1)"The Hipster" will finally hit the full-on mainstream market and take over all forms of retail including (but not limited to) JC Penny, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls. Suddenly, my vintage Fubu Fat Albert attire will be considered a fashion-forward approach. Hey hey hey.
2) The popular phrase will change from "That's Busch League" to "That's Bush League." The meaning, however, will remain the same.
3) Dora the Explorer's sidekick, Diego, will get his own show called Diego the Adventurer. And when he gets on, he'll leave her ass for a white girl.
4) Rod Blagojevich will sell his soul to the devil for an additional term as Illinois governor and the daily special at SuperCuts.
5) Kanye West will make a country music album that applies to all genres. He will call it "Achey-Breaky Heartbreak," making Miley twitch while she's sitting on her dad's lap naked, and it will sell a million in its first week.
6) The 80's wave will die when VH1's latest reality show "Milli Vanilli: Faking Fame and Finding Real Love" debuts. Tweens everywhere will be lip-syncing "Blame it on the Rain," while marveling at the sexual prowess of their flowing (blonde!) dreads.
7) Left-wing fanatics will terror-bomb Hummer drivers on sight.
8) The BCS will have a playoff system. Right, Barack?
9) We will be financially sound, after we are bailed out when we finally find me Lucky Charms.
10) The return of Dave Chapelle.
Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he? Maybe 2009 is the year where this cynic sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Now that you have my predictions, I welcome you to write your own.
Happy ’09.
-J
-J
I guess I have to retract the Dora comment. I thought I was current on my cartoon viewing. Guess my inner child needs some work!
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